That’s what i was told 3 years ago when i found out that my then boyfriend of a year and a half had had another girlfriend the whole time that we’d been together. Everyone cheats.
The evidence is there to back that up. Dan Savage was talking about it just this week, and there are plenty of guys (usually) on reddit that will evo-psych you in the ways that cheating is just people acting out those urges, and we’re not really supposed to be monogamous, really, we’re social, sexual creatures and we should be out there, being not monogamous.
And to those people, i say fine. Go for it. Find your open/polyamourous/monagm-ish relationship and go for it. I have no issue with those things. I have no issue with them, because there’s no infidelity. No one there has made any kind of commitment to just one person, it’s all agreed on and the boundaries, types of partners and types of interactions they can have have been discussed. There is still respect for your partner(s) in these situations and who am i to judge that?
I will, however, judge the fuck out of you for being unfaithful, and even more so be critical of your excuses and reasons behind it. Because fundamentally it comes down to a lack of respect for that other person, and perhaps a lack of love. When i found out that i’d been cheated on it was that. That i had spent the whole relationship not being loved or respected.
In the last couple of months, there seems to be a jump in the number of people i know who cheat, or who are willing to be with someone who has a partner. And i find it odd. To me (when i was single), meeting a guy that has a girlfriend is like smoking or being a homophobe, instant deal breaker. It very efficiently puts them in the friendzone. But i’m realising more and more people aren’t like that. More and more people are happy for it to be “our little secret” or a case of “well, you’re interstate, rules don’t apply”. Yeah, coz being in Perth means that i stop respecting my partner and and happy to just forget about them.
The interesting thing is though, how we don’t talk about it in our social circles. We know who is doing it and with whom, but we don’t call them on it, we don’t have a conversation about how that’s not showing respect to a relationship, maybe. And we don’t have these conversations about infidelity like maybe we should. About why people think it’s ok to do it interstate/because the sex isn’t good/because something is complicated. They’re difficult conversations and i think we don’t want to call our friends out on their “bad behaviour” because it feels like we are making those judgement calls against someone’s relationship, and, quite rightly, you don’t know what someone’s relationship is actually like because you’re not in it. So having that conversation with someone who is cheating is hard. But what about those single/not-exclusive friends of ours who are having it off with a taken person? or the friend who you’re away with who may not have cheated, but talks with the attitude of ‘different state-different rules’? Why can’t we have a conversation about what is pushing them to cheat, or how they feel about their partners or how we feel about ours and why that means we can’t cheat? Why can’t we call out girls and guys who continually flirt and push the boundaries with someone they know is taken, because they think they’re a better match, really love them, are delusional? Why can’t someone call someone else out for that behaviour? Why do we feel we can’t do that in fear of upsetting them?
I just think we should be having more open discussions about why we cheat or why we don’t. I shouldn’t be ashamed or afraid to say ‘i don’t cheat because i’ve committed to someone and i love and respect them and don’t want to hurt them’. i want my relationship to be one of ‘if i feel the need to do that, that it’s my partner that i need to talk to’, not some guy in a bar. And maybe if we have these conversations more, that people feel more able to talk about their relationships, we’ll see greater acceptance for Poly/monongamish couples, we’ll understand that more and we’ll move away from such a narrow definition of things. But the thing is. if you or your partner still has a narrow definition for your relationship, i’m going to be angry and frustrated when you break that.
If you follow me on twitter (@superhotmel) you may have noticed that i’ve tweeted a lot about packing lately. I am, joyfully enough, moving house (in all honesty it’s fun to be moving to somewhere new, i’ve been on this street for 5 years (one year in number 30, 4 years in 29. Yep, i moved across the street) and we’re going to a completely new neighbourhood, and the flat has both a balcony and A DISHWASHER so i’m rather excited). What is less exciting is packing and the actual moving part. Currently, everything in my room is packed besides my clothes that i might wear, and some odd and ends which seem to escape logical boxes to pack things into (a lone LP. My degree. My SLR…). So while Kali faces the gargantuan task of packing her room, i’ve moved on to the kitchen.
It is rediculous. We have so many kitchen implements, utensils and appliances. We have at least 3 different sets of cup measures, two 8 piece steak knife sets and close to 10 hand held juicers. 3 sets of Champagne glasses, 3 sets of wine glasses, martini glasses, ikea glasses….
But it’s the appliances that caught my attention and i will list for you below the things we own:
- Hand Mixer a
- Hand Mixer b
- Hand mixer c (comes with stand
- Stab mixer with attachable whisk and processor (actually think we may have a seperate stab mixer as well…)
- cuisinart mini food processor
- Bread machine
- popcorn machine
- sandwich maker (but not a press, which i actually would like.) (damn)
- Hot dog heater
- slow cooker
- convection oven heat-a-wave, cook your chicken in 10 minutes thing
- milkshake maker
- espresso machine
- toaster a
- toaster b
- toaster with egg cooker.
- electric wok
- electric peeler (yes)
It is insane. We are throwing out the wok and a toaster, but several items on that list have never come out of their boxes and several others haven’t been used, or been used once in the 4 years we have lived here. But at the same time there aren’t any (besides that i mention we’re getting rid of) that i’d throw out. The break machine gets a good run, as do all the mixers and blenders. And the obvious ones like microwave and kettle. I just find it interesting that i use so many appliances that my grandmother would have easily done without. I hate creaming butter and sugar and love my hand mixer. The processors make making crumb bases and pastry a breeze and i wouldn’t do as many cheesecakes as i do now (or any) if i didn’t have one.
So, perhaps in direct contrast to my last blog, i bought a new camera. TO be fair, it was with inheritence money i had and it was something i was looking at for ages. No excuse, i could have easily waited til July to buy it, but Steve got his (Lumix GX1) and i was envious and needed to have one too. Plus, as we’ve taken to going out to places to take pictures, i needed to be able to keep up!
It’s a micro four thirds camera, an interchangeable lens camera but mirrorless, so that’s how it differs from a DLSR, most simply. I’m in love with it, but it is a steep learning curve to actually use it properly, on manual not on any level of automatic. I tend to under or over expose pictures, but that is what learning is all about, and i’m enjoying that. I am that obnoxious person who takes pictures of completely random shit now though, fences and walls particularly. I’d like to point out here and now, i’m not a photographer, i’m not an artist, i don’t see my “work” as something awesome. I just take pictures of things i like, and will share them sometimes. That’s pretty much it.
So, here’s a couple:
Back at the start of April, Steve showed me an app that was useful for tracking your spending called Toshl. Both Steve and I have been trying for the last year or so to be better savers. Not for a house or a holiday or anything, just because we don’t need to spend the amount of money we perhaps did in 2011. I’ve always thought of myself as a good saver, living on $40 a week at uni generally forces you to be pretty frugal. Saving to go to the US and then to Europe also are good ways of motivating you. The sheer fear of being in New York with no money and no options is an excellent motivator for a control freak like me. But last year I had no big travel plans. I went to Bali with the girls, but that was paid for by my tax return in its entirety so I didn’t have to save at all. Until July, I didn’t have a boyfriend, so my life was totally* Sex and the City. Cocktails, bar hopping, long drinking filled weekends of spending, and the discovery of modcloth.com
(*ok, so it actually was a little like this for a couple of months last year. We’d do dinner, cocktails, and end up at the Supper Club at 4am drinking expensive wine and eating expensive party pies [man that relish was good] but we all worked proper jobs during the week, none of this hanging around museums or “writing a column”)